The following is a packet of questions written by Jess, Josh, and Ed for Fred's surprise birthday party on December 7, 1997. All of the questions were (at least tangentially) related to Fred, but he nevertheless managed to lose the match played on them to a team of seven party-goers by a score of 285 to 245. Unfortunately, some questions contain minor factual errors, a few others violate the rules of good question-writing, and many were clearly written in a hurry, but the packet still gives you the chance to test your knowledge of one of Swarthmore's most active players.

The Fred Packet
Toss-ups by Ed, Jess, and Josh

1. "The Night." "The World of Tevill." "Freds: everything you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask." "Dreams." "Personal Information." And, of course, "Links." For ten points, these are all sections of what unfinished work designed by Fred?

Answer: his _WEB PAGE_ (If anyone says "Distant places" -- which is its actual name-- accept the answer, but give the player a long, cold stare)

2. Sure Fred went to Catholic school, but we all know that that's not _really_ his religion. He not only belongs to another church -- he's even been ordained. FTP, name the web-based church that counts Fred among its ministers.


3. Wide right! Wide right! Continue to chant it and strike pain into Fred's heart! FTP, name the Buffalo Bills kicker who missed what would have been the game-winning field goal against the New York Giants in the 1991 Superbowl.

Answer: Scott _NORWOOD_

4. Fred certainly isn't a Republican. He isn't the most loyal Democrat either. FAQTP, for what third-party candidate did Fred cast his first presidential vote?

Answer: Ralph _NADER_

5. Warning: two answers required. They are both originally from the Boston area, though one's family has since relocated to California. One is a mathematics major; one is an engineering major. Neither is single. FTP, name these two men, the only people Fred has lived with during his time at Swat.

Answer: Dylan _HUMPHREY_ and Dan _EISENBUD_

6. For this man, basketball is a family vocation: his father is head coach at New York's Genesee Community College, and his brother is an assistant coach of the Miami Heat. He was a graduate assistant to Rick Pitino when Providence made the Final Four, and has been an assistant coach at Providence and Rutgers. FTP, name this former coach of McQuaid Jesuit High School, Fred's alma mater, and current head coach of the New York Knicks.

Answer: Jeff _VAN GUNDY_

7. Frank Gifford and Ricardo Montaban discuss dental care; John Denver asks us to plant trees; and the Scientologists pitch Narc-a-non. FTP, these are PSAs played on what college radio station of which Fred is a board member?

Answer: _WSRN_

8. In 1994, it was a piece of orange construction fence. In 1995 and 1996, it didn't exist, and in 1997 it was a Seventies fashion statement modeled after an eponymous cartoon character. For ten points, what noted yearly statement of Fred have we just described?


9. Fred wants to be a veterinarian because he loves children. He can't spell Ferrari, but he drives a Porsche. Don't you wish you were him? FAQTP, why?

Answer: _CAUSE HE'S A BLOND_ (before last word, accept "CAUSE I'M A BLONDE," the name of the song)

10. He made several television appearences in 1997 and currently resides in Los Angeles. He once said he'd pay Fred and Joe money if he could watch them sleep together. FTP, name this man, former Swarthmore College Bowl President, now a graduate student in mathematics at UCLA.

Answer: Pat _FRIEL_

11. He shares his first name with Mr. Bush, and -- also like Fred -- he's an ordained minister. Instead of wearing a Swarthmore sweatshirt, however, he's more frequently seen in a zip-up sweater. FTP, name this PBS television personality.

Answer: _MR. ROGERS_

12. Warning: two answers required. FAQTP, name both of Fred's advisors, the chairs of their respective departments in Psychology and English.

Answer: Deborah _KEMLER-NELSON_ and Craig _WILLIAMSON_

13. The novelist Oscar Hijuelos, the recently deceased Jorge Mas Canosa, and the revolutionary Jose Marti. FTP, these people all have, like Fred, a connection to which island nation currently under the thumb of Fidel Castro?

Answer: _CUBA_

14. Cramps, flatulence, bloating, loose stools, "fecal urgency," anal leakage, and a slight aftertaste are among its more common side-effects, and without supplemental vitamins, carotenoid deficiencies and a failure to absorb vitamins A, D, E, and K are also somewhat likely. The benefits: it slightly lowers blood cholesterol, doesn't lead to the absorption of calories or fat into the body, and tastes just like fat. FTP, name this fat subsitute, approved by the FDA and much discussed by Fred.

Answer: _OLESTRA_

15. FAQTP, within 30 miles, how far is it to Boston?

Answer: _326_ (accept 296-356); accept "a little over 200 miles" (or the equivalent) if given convincingly by Fred

16. The last episode of "Absolutely Fabulous" featured two minor characters trying to infiltrate this group to get a movie deal with John Travolta, or at the very least Kirstie Alley. FTP, name this group, Germany's least favorite and Fred's most favorite offshoot multimillion-dollar quasi-religion, founded by L. Ron Hubbard.


17. "Food, Glorious Food." "What's a Cooper?" "Nuclear Prospects and the Fission Blues." "Computer Lab to Come with Spring." "Old Pros Lead Debators in SCSC Fray." "Morgan Tenure Decision -- Review of Aftermath." "Blackburn Heads Sub Search." "Honors Review: Faculty Speaks." And "Swine Flu Comes to Swarthmore (In Little Vials)." FTP, all of these are headlines in what Swarthmore newspaper's issue the week of Fred's birth?

Answer: the _PHOENIX_

18. In the 1840s, this city won world-wide fame from a series of seances led by Margaret and Kate Foxborough; in the 1850s and 1860s, it was a terminus of the Underground Railroad, the city where Frederick Douglas published The North Star, and the home of Susan B. Anthony. Located on Lake Ontario, it is also the site of the headquarters of both Kodak and Xerox. FTP, name this New York city, which counts Fred among its 230,000 residents.


19. FAQTP, what is Fred's middle name?

Answer: _ALBERT_

20. No, he isn't related to Fred, and even if he were, he almost certainly wouldn't remember Fred's birthday. After all, on September 7, 1988, he admonished a group of veterans for forgetting that it was Pearl Harbor Day in a speech lamenting America's declining patriotism. FTP, name this former President of the United States.

Answer: _GEORGE_ Herbert Walker _BUSH_

(Editor's note: for those of you reading this on the web who weren't at the party, Fred's birthday is Pearl Harbor day; hence, the connection in the question above.)

The Fred Packet
Boni by Ed, Jess, and Josh

1. Mr. Bush may be the Swarthmore Fred you know best, but he certainly isn't the only one. Answer the following questions for the stated number of points.

a) One of them likes James Joyce, John Cage, and Kenzaburo Oe, and is known for the quotation "I may be a Quaker, but I'm still a fascist." The other was famed on his freshman-year hall for going to bed each night at 9:30. The two were room-mates, and are now the only other Freds in the Swarthmore student body. F5PE, name them.

Answers: Fred _VEITH_, Fred _GERSON_

b) There are also two professors named Fred. One of them teaches economics part-time when he isn't advising the Ukrainian government or giving his students F+s, and the other can be found in Hicks. FTPE, name them.

Answers: Frederic _PRYOR_, Frederick L. _ORTHLIEB_

2. Fred, as we all know, loves to read science fiction when he should be doing work; a couple years ago, he even ranked his favorite books. Place the following books in order of how much Fred likes them, from least to greatest, F5PE and a five point bonus for all correct:

Phases of Gravity, by Dan Simmons; Startide Rising, by David Brin; Foundation's Edge, by Isaac Asimov; Ringworld Engineers, by Larry Niven; The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Answer: Foundation's Edge (6), Ringworld Engineers (7), Phases of Gravity (8), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (9), Startide Rising (10)

(Editor's note: No, I'm not making this up. I got it from his web page)

3. Every Sunday night at 9:00, Fred hosts the radio show Botticelli on WSRN. Answer the following questions about the artist Sandro Botticelli FTPE:

a) Botticelli was a student of this Florentine monk and painter.

Answer: Fra Lippo _LIPPI_

b) The Primavera and The Birth of Venus, his masterpieces, are now housed in this Florence art gallery.

Answer: the _UFFIZI_

c) The Punishment of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram was Botticelli's contribution to the walls of this chapel.

Answer: the _SISTINE CHAPEL_

4. "Minus 5." These words are very familiar to anyone who's played college bowl with Fred. Answer the following questions FTPE:

a) Most people don't know the name of the current governor of Michigan. Even fewer people associate him with Karl Marx. Just this week, however, Fred gave this answer to a question involving what literary partner of Marx?

Answer: _ENGLER_

b) For ten points, what member of the British royal family did Fred refer to as "Big Boss Man" on the MSNBC-TV game show "Remember This?"

Answer: Prince _PHILIP_

c) When Fred heard a question beginning, "Hitler referred to it as the largest impenetrable POW camp in Europe," he buzzed in with what answer?

Answer: _FRANCE_

5. Answer the following questions about conspiracy theories for the stated number of points:

a) Pat Robertson claims that this secret society wants to rule the world.

Answer: The _ILLUMINATI_ (Also accept Jews, Liberals, Freemasons, Normal People, and so on...)

b) This former press secretary to JFK claims that TWA flight 800 was shot down by friendly fire.

Answer: Pierre _SALINGER_

c) According to its web page, it "was formed in 1973 by private citizens of Japan, Europe and North America to foster closer cooperation among these principal democratic industrialized areas with shared leadership responsibilities in the wider international system." Conspiracy buffs claim that it wants to conquer the world.


6. Given lyrics from a They Might Be Giants song, name the song FTPE, or FFPE if you need the album the song comes from.

For 10: "Ads up in the subway are the work of someone / Trying to please their boss"
For 5: They Might Be Giants


For 10: "We could fly like birds in the air / We could walk but we'd never get there"
For 5: John Henry

Answer: _AKA DRIVER_

For 10: "Would you mind if we balance / this glass of milk / where your visiting friend / accidentally was killed?"
For 5: Flood


7. Answer the following questions about other well-known Freds FTSNOP.

a) For 5 points, name the senator from Tennessee leading an inquiry into congressional fundraising.

Answer: Fred _THOMPSON_

b) For 10 points, he had three sons and invented Flubber.

Answer: Fred _MACMURRAY_

c) And for 15 points, he may be Chico, but he doesn't know what his son did last summer.

Answer: Freddie _PRINZE_ (Senior)

8. Fred has recently been reading the works of Will and Ariel Durant. Given a work, F5PE, say whether it was written by Will, Ariel, both, or neither.

a) The Story of Philosophy Answer: just Will
b) The Age of Napoleon Answer: both
c) The Revelation of St. John Answer: neither
d) Rousseau and Revolution Answer: both
e) Caesar and Christ Answer: just Will
f) Boswell's Life of Johnson Answer: neither

9. As everyone knows, Fred loves terrible movies. FTPE, given a summary of the plotline, name the awful, awful movie.

a) "Unspeakable horrors from outer space paralyze the living and resurrect the dead!" in this 1958 film familiar to anyone who's seen Ed Wood.


b) The plot of this 1964 movie, which stars John Call as the title character, Bill McCutcheon as Dropo, and Pia Zadora as Girmar, features the following memorable exchange:

"Betty: What are those funny things sticking out of your head?
Rigna: Those are our antennae.
Betty: Are you a television set?"


c) "God made him simple. Science made him a god. Now, he wants revenge." FTP, name this 1996 sequel starring Patrick Bergin, Matt Frewer, and Austin O'Brien.

Answer: _LAWNMOWER MAN 2_: Beyond Cyberspace

10. Answer the following questions about Fred's girlfriend FTSNOP.

a) Jess is from Atlanta. For five points, name her congressman, or, for ten points, name either of her two senators.

Answer: (HR) Newt _GINGRICH_ (Senate) Max _CLELAND_ or Paul _COVERDELL_

b) Jess will be spending next semester in Grenoble, France. FTP, in what year did Grenoble host the Winter Olympics?

Answer: _1968_

c) Jess was really happy on November 16, because this man got out of prison and came to the United States. FTP, name this man, the most famous of China's leading democracy activists.

Answer: _WEI_ Jingsheng

11. FTPE, answer the following questions about Fred's ex-SWIL-co-president, Joe Robins.

a) First, on what night is Joe's weekly shuttle shift?

Answer: _TUESDAY_

Answer: Second, ten points all or nothing, name the other two co-presidents of SWIL along with Joe this year.

Answer: Melissa _BINDE_ and Erik _ROSOLOWSKY_ (Also accept Abort and Ignore.)

Answer: Third, Joe throws a napkin at Kyla at an initial velocity of 2 feet per second. Kyla is 5.5 feet away. What velocity will the napkin be traveling at when it hits her? Assume no loss due to friction or gravity.

Answer: _2 feet/second_ (If Joe says he never throws napkins at Kyla, deduct ten points for outright lying.)

12. No Fred packet could be complete without a question on patron saints. Identify the following saints FTPE:

a) When the members of the college bowl team decide that they need to stop Fred from negging, they pray to this man, the saint of lost causes.

Answer: Saint _JUDE_

b) When Fred wakes up in the morning and can't find his shoes, he prays to this saint, the saint of lost property.

Answer: Saint _ANTHONY_

c) Fred's mom isn't a saint, but the Emperor Constantine's was! Name her.

Answer: Saint _HELENA_

13. It's time to honor Fred's favorite Canadian comedy group, The Kids in the Hall. FTPE, given a description of a recurring character, name the character, FPE if you need the name of the actor who played that particular character.

For 10) She once worked on a phone-sex line and later went in search of the home in which she was born.
For 5) Mark McKinney

Answer: the _CHICKEN LADY_

For 10) He coached a women's softball league team and hit a game-winning homer for them. He wound up in jail for murdering a drag queen, but was released by a lenient judge.
For 5) Scott Thompson

Answer: _BUDDY LOVE_

For 10) He once had a confrontation with Satan. He also had an epiphany when his girlfriend dumped him, and told a pigeon, 'You may be free like her, but you're not... Laura."
For 5) Bruce McCulloch

Answer: _BOBBY_

- Okay, if you've scored no points so far you can make up 15 points by naming the Kids' disaster of a movie, released last year.


14. Fred can usually kick butt at Monopoly, so let's see if he can kick butt on a Monopoly bonus. Answer the following questions FTSNOP.

a) For 5 points, if you land on Income Tax on your first move of the game, should you choose to pay ten percent or $200?

Answer: _10 PERCENT_ (You save $50.)

b) For 10 points, how much money do you collect for winning 2nd prize in a beauty contest?

Answer: _10 DOLLARS_

c) And for 15 points, all or nothing, give any two of the three times in which you can roll doubles and not get to roll again.


15. When I say FB, you think, Fred Bush. But, for ten points apiece, name these other famous men with the initials F B.

a) He's a Republican sleaze artist who produced the famous 1988 Willie Horton ad.


b) This American chaired the four-man panel of judges at the Nuremberg War Crimes Trial.


c) This Elizabethen philosopher wrote Novum Organum and The Advancement of Learning.


16. FTPE, given a discription of Fred acting weird, diagnose him.

a) Fred alternates between a catatonic state and periods of manic antisocial behavior. He sometimes claims the government has planted a microchip in his brain.


b) Fred is locked in his room and tortured at random times. When the door is unlocked, he does not leave the room even though the torture will stop as soon as he does.


c) Fred keeps an erratic sleep schedule, misses classes, rants about conspiracies and Scientologists, survives on ramen and Oreos for days on end, and plays games with little green men.

Answer: _THAT'S JUST FRED_ (accept equivalents)

17. Fred loves mass murder. FTSNOP, given a description, name the mass murderer.

For 5) His recipe for Kool-Aid proved unpopular after the first 900 or so people sampled it.

Answer: Jim _JONES_

For 10) He recently declared himself a born-again Christian and wishes to apologize for randomly shooting New Yorkers in the late 1970s.

Answer: David _BERKOWITZ_ or _SON OF SAM_

For 15) Upon the conquest of Jerusalem in 1099, he and his co-Crusaders ordered all Jews sealed up in the Temple and had it burned.


18. Fred is pretty great, but he's not the greatest. For ten points apiece, answer these questions about the real Frederick the Great.

a) What German kingdom did Frederick rule?

Answer: _PRUSSIA_

b) What was his ordinal number among the Prussian Kings Frederick?

Answer: _II_

c) To what famous Prussian family did he belong?


19. We decided to write a bonus on all the stupid things we talked about while writing this packet. Answer the following questions F15PE.

a) We were going to write a question on Fred's initials, but the only person we could find who shared all of them was this congressman from Florida, a Blue Dog Democrat.

Answer: F. Allan _BOYD_

b) Ed named his computer, which makes funny noises under Jess's touch, after this man, a prominent member of FDR's Brain Trust who attended Swat on a football scholarship.

Answer: Leon _HENDERSON_

20. The authors of this packet have determined that Fred owes certain people quite a bit. For 15 points each, to whom does Fred owe the following things?

a) 4 pizzas

Answer: _JOSH AND ED_

b) his ass

Answer: _JESS_

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